| About Me |
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Name: Josephine
Home: Segamat, Johore, Malaysia
About Me: One word... WEIRD!
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| Confession |
| Sunday, December 03, 2006 |
You know the song, "sorry seems to be the hardest word"? Well.. yesterday night, after almost FOUR YEARS, I finally apologised to my ex-bf for the way I treated him when we were together. I've always felt bad for lying to him, saying that he was my second bf, when in reality, he was my first, and it makes me feel like crap whenever I recall how I used to feel embarrassed when he was at my side coz he was, well... very much shorter than the guys in my college. We were almost the same height. Oh, and I told him he was my second coz I didn't want him to think I was well... "unwanted".. Hey, I was young and stupid at that time k!
How we got together, I can honestly say, was totally in my control. Hmm.. how should I start... You see, one day in high school, my best friend told me that girls should have boyfriends in college coz if they didn't, it would be just weird! Also, at that time, I was very much in love with a guy from school. It was a one-way kinda love, and it lasted for SIX YEARS! Guys have come to me, asked me to go out with them and stuff, but I always turned them down because I just couldn't get over that guy. But I almost accepted one of my suitors, a guy two years my senior, who went after me for two years. I turned him down coz my friends used to laugh at him and his courtship, and well, that really embarrassed me. So yeah, fear of losing face was the main reason I turned him down.
Well, back to the subject on my ex. Like I said, my best friend claimed that girls who don't have boyfriends in college are weird. So, when I knew about my ex's crush on me, which btw, was quite obvious coz he practically told the whole coll, I was happy! Really happy.. I mean, how would you feel if the best looker in the whole school had a crush on you?? So anyways, I told my friend to call him, and give him a lil push, and that's what she did. She asked him to ask me to be his gf before someone else grabbed me. And she told him to ask me the next day.. Which, he did!
At the beginning, it was great! I finally had a bf after 17 years! AND I wasn't weird!! I liked him, I really did. But it didn't last. Again, coz of this thick face of mine! My friends from coll would laugh at him in front of me (of course, our relationship was kept secret) and well, I'd feel greatly embarrassed and I'd avoid him as much as possible! I didn't even bother to stand up for him.. What kinda gf was I huh? Yeah, I wonder too. And I didn't bother bringing the relationship any further, as in, we acknowledged each other as bf and gf, gave each other stuff, but we NEVER even HELD HANDS! That's also because the stupid coll was super strict abt boy-girl relationships. If you're caught together, you go for trial, then if guilty, worst punishment... KICKED OUT from coll! But still, I could've made it work somehow but my pride got in the way..
So, after waiting a month, I finally told him I wanted to break it off. I didn't tell him it was coz I was embarrassed by him, but because I wanted to concentrate on my studies. Cliche huh? My first relationship lasted for a month! And the REAL relationship with him, a WEEK! Later I found out that he told everyone he dumped me.. which came to me as a shock coz for one thing, I didn't know that he made our relationship public, and for another, he lied! And then much later, I found out that he wanted to break it up with me during the 2nd week of our relationship to ask another girl out! And that girl happens to be my friend! It seems, he didn't break up with me coz he thought I liked him too much! LOL! Ironic huh?
Well, anyways, I still feel like shit everytime I think about it. How my pride would come before anything else. I've had "so-called" two bfs after him, but he was the only REAL one up till now. I guess it's the punishment I get for treating him and the others before him the way I did. I'm really ashamed of myself. No doubt I have grown up, and have matured in many ways, but I wonder if I'd let history repeat itself in the near future or even worse, me as the victim of my own crimes! Sigh..
Anyways, once again, if you do read this post, CT, I'm really really sorry! And well, now the truth is out, I won't blame you for hating me. I hope we can still remain friends after you read this.. The truth really has been haunting me forever! And btw, my best friend.. the girl who told me that bullcrap, well... up till now, she's still single and till this very day, she denies telling me what she told me when we were young idiots in high school! Haha! *Shakes head* |
posted by Josephine @ 5:03 pm  |
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